Following my heart...

Getting in touch with my heart, and really listening to its messages...









Clipart by - http://www.clipartheaven.com/

Tucson, Arizona, August 16, 2007, 10:30 p.m.

The trailer is readied, the door is locked, and my neighbors pick me up for the several-mile trip into Tucson to catch the train for a Great Adventure.  Not that I must be on a great adventure, as it seems that my life IS one already, and the events of the last few months have created an emotional adventure that will be in process for some time to come.  However, there is a 'call' to travel, to visit my family, see new sights, and challenge myself in an unfamiliar mode of travel.

The train leaves Tucson only three days a week, at 1:40 a.m., if it's on time.  This night it wasn't. Folks are sprawled out on the wooden seats, napping, sitting, reading.  It is quiet.  After a short while another 'waitee' moves from a spot in another area and takes a seat on the bench across from me.  I'm grateful, because it makes it easier for me to ask her to watch my bag while I head to the restroom.

Upon returning to my seat, we begin a conversation.  She is carrying what looks to be a very heavy backpack.  She has been reading a recent best seller.  She tells me she is returning to New York from three weeks' Army reserve training in national security at Ft. Huachuca. She works for NYPD and cannot describe what she does, as she is involved in secret activities.  Her pack contains documents that must remain with her, well-guarded, until she arrives at her destination.

"Mary" is gregarious, yet aloof.  She has a generous smile, and quiet demeanor.  She is dressed much like a man, with collar-length black hair covered by a ball cap.  Her speech is a little challenging to understand as it combines the accents of Puerto Rico and Brooklyn.  I notice that she limps a little when she gets up to look out the window.  Not willing to say too much, she says she was severely injured in an accident, which I find out later was a fire.  In that 'accident' her jaw was broken, and her leg was severely damaged.  She is concerned that she might lose it.

Mary has a family who lives in an apartment in Brooklyn - a husband who also works for NYPD, and two children, a boy and a girl.  She is very proud of them.  Once we board the train I will learn much more about her.

The train is an hour and a half late; we board around three o'clock a.m., and finally the journey on the rails begins...

I was attracted to astrology many years ago, and after I was divorced from my husband, and already 'going to hell', I decided to give it some serious study, about myself.

I've found many correlations between 'interpretations' of my chart, and how I have experienced myself and life. 

I am a double Cancer, the Crab - sun and moon.  As I've mentioned here before, the moon is in the 12th house of hidden things - I hide my deepest emotions, or I don't let others see them.  It's also the place where Pisces is located in a 'natural' chart, so I carry Pisces emotional qualities as well - easily hurt.  My rising sign, the sign of my outer self is Leo, 'queen' of everything!!!  My father's name was Leo, and when he died, I said to myself, "The king is dead, long live the king (queen)."  That reflected the disdain I had for him.

The highest planet in my chart, meaning the one that represents highest accomplishment is Uranus, the planet of freedom and things that happen suddenly.  It also rules the sign Aquarius, and humanitarian ideas.  I was a social worker for years, and years, and years...

When I was a child, playing on the dock where my friends kept their crab pots, I was told that when a crab takes hold of you, it won't let go until it thunders.  Well, Cancer is like that.  It doesn't want to let go.  It likes its nest and creature comforts.  I have found it very difficult sometimes to let go of things and people and ideas.  Afterall, we learn to be attached at birth, bonded, if you will.  No wonder it's so hard to let go!

 

The Texas Eagle travels from Los Angeles to Chicago. 
Leaving Tucson, aboard the 'Texas Eagle', I found myself in a crowded coach
car, with few seats available.  I took a seat on the upper level, as
directed by the conductor, and because there was not enough overhead room to
put my one suitcase, I chose a seat close to the steps, where I could stash it
behind  me.  Unfortunately, my seat-mate was a very large young
woman, with back problems, who got up and down many times during the night,
interrupting my sleep as well.  I'm sure she didn't want to share the
space, as anytime I left, when I came back she was sprawled across both
seats. 



The conductors take your ticket and mark your destination at your seat, so they
can tell who has boarded, and who needs to get of at which station.  They
DO NOT like it if you move to another seat!  So the discomfort lasted
through most of the night. 



For the leg of the journey that goes to San Antonio, the Texas Eagle is linked
with the Sunset Limited, that goes to New Orleans. The Texas Eagle stops in San
Antonio and is disconnected from the Sunset Limited, and connected with a new
locomotive, for the ride to Chicago.



Sometime in the night, my seat-mate left the coach for several hours.  I
was asleep when we arrived in San Antonio, but was awakened by the announcement
that we were there, and we would be side-tracked for awhile, until the way was
safe to travel.  Apparently San Antonio had become flooded from the
tropical storm that had recently passed through, and the Texas Eagle would not
be leaving until sometime later in the morning.

I continued to sleep until daylight, and when I awoke, I learned that several
people had left the train and gone into San Antonio for a bite to eat, and that
included my seat-mate.  As the sun continued to rise, the train didn't
leave, and the passengers were told that despite their best efforts the
locomotive that was to take us to Chicago had developed some problems, which
could not be rectified.



The conductors notified everyone that they had to leave the train, and that
busses would be coming to take all of us to Ft. Worth to catch the next
train.  Now, the San Antonio station is open at night, not in the daytime,
so it was not open for restrooms, for snacks, or coffee.  No one was able to
get breakfast.  Station staff were called back to open the station so
people could wait there, and use the facilities. 



After about an hour of waiting outside in the humidity of Texas in summer, we
boarded busses according to our eventual destinations.  Five hours later,
and with a short stop for food, we arrived in Ft. Worth.

 

Sometimes for me it's hard to see the positive side of things.  I learned while growing up that the world was not a friendly place.  Because I had overcautious parents, I was told 'don't' and 'no' a lot, and that left me with conditioned fearfulness. 

My relationships of course reflected these messages.  And it was hard to trust anyone who had a positive outlook on life.  I felt that I had to be 'careful' about everything.

Well, these days, I have been blessed with a little more clarity about my place in the world, and the 'friendship' of the world.  I am beginning to feel the warmth of smiling human faces, the ones who greet me with a friendly 'hello', and I don't wonder what they are up to.  Yes, there is sometimes that little voice that says 'be careful'.  But I tell it to mind its own business.

My recent trip back East brought me such positive 'strokes' and love.  It may sound silly to others, but I am finally being able to feel the love.  Of course that could be a result of some shift inside myself that I've not been aware of...In the course of this grieving process I've been in, I have tried to be open to whatever presents itself in terms of emotions that pop up, or new ideas, or new activities.  Perhaps the openness has allowed that love to seep in.

My contacts with folks in recent months have brought me into the circle of life, where before I think I was hiding out a bit, not really sure about the positive, good stuff.  I'm beginning to really see it, not in the usual terms of all the platitudes about being positive, but actually perceiving it. 

I feel sheepish to admit that I've attracted the attention of a man in what I consider so soon after Doc's passing.  We have had some wonderful conversations.  The energy is positive, supportive, and warm.  As I don't believe in coincidence, I am allowing myself the pleasure.  Whatever the outcome of our meeting, I feel blessed to have this experience.  I accept the love the Universe is bringing to me through my family, friends, and experiences.  It is truly a different experience for me. 

My daughter told me a while back that she's decided that 'when love comes at you, grab it!'  I'm with her on that!

I was browsing YouTube the other day, and 'stumbled' upon this old country favorite.  As I listened to the words, I felt they described some of my experience with a certain relationship that ended with my love's transition into spirit.  His heart wasn't cold, just hiding and hurt, remembering past unresolved wounds.  As I still try to understand the nature of our relationship and its ideosynchrocies, I am comforted to know through this song that I am not alone in my experience...Hank said it so well...



I tried so hard my dear to show that you're my every dream.
Yet you're afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn't do
In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, and melt your cold, cold heart

You'll never know how much it hurts to see you sit and cry
You know you need and want my love yet you're afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from life, to try it just ain't smart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, the more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart

Although I want to re-light the travel log about my excursion to the East Coast via train, today I want to share a little about my recent trip to Silver City, New Mexico and City of Rocks State Park.

I have been meeting with the Tucson group known as the Desert Crones.  The Crones drumming circle, which meets once a month, made an overnight trip to make ceremony among the rocks at this fabulous sacred place known as the City of Rocks.

The rocks were formed from lava exploded from a volcano miles away.  They stand to hold the earth's energy in this place, and they offer a great sense of timelessness to me.  These stone beings have the knowledge of the beginning of the earth, and our solar system.  They stand as witnesses to our evolution.

We gathered together in a great stone circle and offered prayers and thanksgiving for the opportunity to be present with these awesome stones.  We drummed our songs and raised the energy of that place.  We asked for blessings for our loved ones, saying their names to be carried to Creator by the winds blowing through the circle.




The circle leader presented us with Arkansas crystals to hold with us as we made our way to a stone that called to us, where we could sit and meditate.  We were also gifted with small notebooks in which we could write our thoughts and impressions and observations.

Keeping the circle open, we ventured into the 'city' and selected a stone being to sit with.  After a time, our circle leader found us and took a photo of us with our stone friends.  Then we once again gathered in our circle to share our experiences and offer final prayers.

The views from this place were striking, the stones standing in the middle of the high desert.  Nothing else quite like them anywhere else.  Awesome...

I once heard the following definition of an expert...

Ex - former
Spurt - a drip under pressure

Probably the most knowledge and experience I have accumulated is in the realm of human services systems.  I have worked as a social worker for five different public human service agencies, one of them twice, to gleen 25 years of experience in human nature (mine and others)...In those 25 years the more things have changed, the more they have remained the same...I like to think I am growing and moving beyond the lower energies attributed to the character of working with clients in chaos.  I guess that's why I'm retired...

In terms of today's technology, weapons of mass destruction...

The idea that I need to change anything. 

Sometimes I think I must focus on what I think I need to change about myself, my circumstances, how I think or perceive.  There comes a time that I can BE, just as I am now, under whatever circumstances.  Change will come soon enough - when it's time.  So now, I just wait to be 'moved' to those places where I need to be, and allow the Universe to change me...

I love that song, The City of New Orleans - although I wasn't on that particular train route, this video certainly gives a taste of what I experienced through the middle part of the country between Dallas and Chicago.  It also gives a good picture of what it's like to be a passenger. 

I last posted this travel story with San Antonio, and being bussed from there to Ft. Worth.  Although my memory is beginning to fade some, that's where I'll pick up the thread.

The train out of Ft. Worth couldn't leave until all the passengers had arrived via the busses.  So while some passengers thought we were seven hours behind schedule, in actuality, we were only two hours behind.

I had never been to Ft. Worth, and from what I saw I couldn't tell if I would like it.  I was impressed, however, with the multimodal transportation center there, where the trains, city busses, and other modes of public transportation were located in one place.  As a city planner I thought that this one thing could make Ft. Worth liveable.  The buildings were well-designed and laid out.  A very nice feature of any major city.

So after a short wait in the Ft. Worth station, we boarded our train and headed toward Dallas.  I took a lot of photos of a building that I don't know the identiy of.  It has a tower that rises as a prominent landmark, and that looks very much like a male body part.



Another aspect of the building is the reflective exterior, which we stopped in front of for some time, so I think I got some good shots.  We also passed by the infamous "Grassy Knoll" where President Kennedy made his transition.






Passing through Dallas, we headed north, through middle America, and toward St. Louis, MO, where more adventure awaited us.

Oh my!

I watched a little of CNN's presentation on "Planet in Peril" last night and was totally 'whelmed'.

The world is changing faster in negative ways than we can deal with in positive ways.  The expansiveness in China and the West's complicity makes me ill.  It's like watching the wild fires in California, the ones that are in the upper parts of the trees, jumping over to another spot, rushing forward, while the firefighters are still battling the fires on the ground.  The new fires get beyond them, trapping them.

Taste for the 'exotic' runs rampant, and is killing our plants and animals, destroying habitat,  oxygen-producing forests, and potable water.  I have to say it looks like our addictions are winning over any attempt to recover. 



Just what IS our world coming to?



I know that there is always the attempt to 'hype' stories, news reports, etc. - sensationalism is another addiction...Well, last night it got to me.  While I am in my 'little corner of the world' in relative peace, joy and happiness, in other 'worlds' there is chaos, confusion, rapid (or is it 'rabid') growth, irresponsibility, greed, and disdain for others.  No respect. 

How long will China keep doing things the same traditional ways?  How long will the U. S. of A. keep putting its fingers in every pie, and stirring the pot?  How long will the Middle East fight among itself?  How long will Africa continue the genocide?  How long will we humans continue killing each other - through war, pour use of resources, or abuse of power?

And I ask myself, how does my presence among the rocks last week help this earth and her people?  Really?

This song was on Don McLean's 1971 Album, "American Pie".   It was recorded by George Michael in 2003...



From http://www.don-mclean.com/articles/georgemichael.asp.   In response, Don issued a statement, through this website, praising George Michael's recording. Don's words were reported in the worldwide news media. Here is Don's statement: I am proud of George Michael for standing up for life and sanity. I am delighted that he chose a song of mine to express these feelings. We must remember that the Wizard is really a cowardly old man hiding behind a curtain with a loud microphone. It takes courage and a song to pull the curtain open and expose him.
Good Luck George-

Thirty-two years and 'the more things stay the same.'

You betcha!!!

I retired from the work environment three years ago, and for awhile I wondered what I was going to do with all those days full of 'nothingness'.  Well, I don't have to do anything with them!!!

I am perfectly content to spend my time in my home on wheels, and when I take a notion to travel, I just go...

Since Doc's passing I have made some friends, and I've participated in some great activities.  Someone said earlier this week that without the Desert Crones, "who would we have to connect with?  This group nurtures the spirit; there are many women who don't know they are 'hungry.' "  And the PuebLoWs have provided me with new folks to learn from about camping RV style. 

I go to the pool everyday to exercise; the weather is generally very good.  What more could I ask for?

Spending time with friends, eating good food!

1.  Picnic with the Desert Crones, potluck style - yum!
2.  Ice cream social for dessert later, at another friend's home - yum again!