I wrote here a while back about the synchronicity about 'freedom' - within five minutes of each other - Liberty postal stamps at the post office, and a van with the word 'freedom' in bold on its side. Today I listened to a CD 'mix' my daughter made for me, and listening to the words of the various songs, one word seemed to catch my attention - freedom.

What does it mean exactly to be free? As I think about ending times, freedom is finally to be without any fetters or attachments, pain or sorrow. While I'm not really anticipating my death, exactly, I am feeling a need to let go of attachments and old feelings and ideas that would limit me from knowing myself more deeply. Sometimes I feel that by letting go of my relationship with Doc I will go flying off the world myself. Time - time and patience to allow things to unfold is what I tell myself.

I wonder if Doc's passing is a way of the Universe to assist me in letting go of these things. While it is a choice, it isn't like the flip of a coin. There is a process involved. Whether we lose everything in one fell swoop, or give things up over time, there is a process involved - each personal and unique. In some ways I want to just 'flip the switch' to the new times - old to new, black to white. It just isn't that easy.

I met a man named Alfred in New Orleans this week, as I stayed over one night between trains, coming back to Tucson after a long trip to see family. I learned that he had been totally wiped out by Katrina and he is still making payments on a house that doesn't exist. He is a single father, working two jobs. And he said he isn't crying over things; he's just getting on with what he needs to do, and eventually he will have what he's working so hard for. There is no 'switch' to turn off the unwanted or turn on the desired. It takes time.

I met a 66-year old man Alvin on the train who travels all over the US by train. He told me he was a retired chiropractor, and now he's a 'bum'. He is enjoying his life without the 'encumbrances' of a girl friend or wife. He told me that I have to live MY life now, not a life with another, in a partnership. Well, he's right...what's the alternative? Staying stuck in the past with a beloved who has passed on? I have read that when the grieving is complete, a person will be able to see that by moving on they carry the love with them, just in a different way. I look forward to that time in my life.

I do have the luxury of time - it's interesting to observe myself as I go through my days - sometimes as if the days just stretch right out into boredom - sometimes as if the days are full of excitement and anticipation. Many lessons to learn here.

Freedom - the freedom to choose the quality of life one desires, the freedom to create, the freedom to sit and wait for the Universe to respond. Oh, my!

I'm still rebelling.  I'm what some folks call a 'late bloomer'.  I didn't rebel at the 'usual' phase of my life, being that I was such a 'good girl' and all.  What we don't finish in one phase of our life, we must complete at some other time.  My time came when I had been married almost 25 years.  I told my husband I didn't want to be that good little girl anymore, I didn't want to be 'wifey'.  He didn't have a clue about what I meant.

So I went into therapy, joined a 12-step group for adult children of alcoholics, separated from my husband, and eventually divorced.  Within two years I'd left my job, moved to another location to go to school for a master's degree.  I've watched myself grow, and grow up, and I can see that I was not being my true self - the self that had odd ideas about things. 

When I began to date again I consciously chose someone who was all that I wasn't - no higher education, blue collar worker, motorcycle (read Harley) enthusiast.  We had some really good times together.  When it came time for a serious and committed relationship, I found a fellow online, and very quickly we decided to share our lives with each other, through all, and 'hang in there' - sight unseen - only IM, email and phone communication.  He was a rebel too, a real maverick.  He was Doc.  He taught me a lot about getting out of the box.

I still struggle to get out of the box sometimes.  I envision the task as opening each box of a 'nested' set, like those little Russian dolls.  I am beginning to see where I have more work to do - rocking the boat, and upsetting the status quo!

These days I'd rather be a character.  I hope I am accomplishing that...

What do you think?

Oh, do I have to choose one? 

As I posted in the the Living Metaphysics thread for Science of Mind Daily Guides and Meditations, Ernest Holme's meditation and mind treatment for today, "...the Father which art in heaven is in that heaven that is within me."

I can access heaven from my Source within.  It has nothing to do with reincarnation. 

To me, there is nothing static about 'being in heaven.'  It is not a physical place - it is a state of mind.

Reincarnation is something else, entirely.  It is a process that souls move through, alternating between life on visible 'earth' and life invisible.  Where does the soul go when it's not in a physical body?  Where does it come from when it enters a physical body?  Where has it been 'between times?'  Maybe I take heaven with me when I pass into the invisible.

My first most sacred place is in my heart.

In terms of geography, my most sacred place is Medicine Mountain, Wyoming.  There is a medicine wheel there that has been in use for ceremony for several centuries.  It is still in use.

I had the blessing of being at the medicine wheel alone for about 1 1/2 hours one morning. I had camped in a primative camp site, sleeping in the back of my truck.  I awoke early in the morning and drove to the parking area.  From the main road the site is three miles; one drives halfway and then walks the other half.  It was like a pilgrimage for me.

I placed my tobacco offerings and said prayers at the four directions.  For that time I was the only one there, just me and Great Spirit.  I am grateful to Timber Wolf whom I met in Browning, MT at a Blackfoot powwow, who directed my attention to this sacred place.