"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose..."

I wrote here a while back about the synchronicity about 'freedom' - within five minutes of each other - Liberty postal stamps at the post office, and a van with the word 'freedom' in bold on its side. Today I listened to a CD 'mix' my daughter made for me, and listening to the words of the various songs, one word seemed to catch my attention - freedom.

What does it mean exactly to be free? As I think about ending times, freedom is finally to be without any fetters or attachments, pain or sorrow. While I'm not really anticipating my death, exactly, I am feeling a need to let go of attachments and old feelings and ideas that would limit me from knowing myself more deeply. Sometimes I feel that by letting go of my relationship with Doc I will go flying off the world myself. Time - time and patience to allow things to unfold is what I tell myself.

I wonder if Doc's passing is a way of the Universe to assist me in letting go of these things. While it is a choice, it isn't like the flip of a coin. There is a process involved. Whether we lose everything in one fell swoop, or give things up over time, there is a process involved - each personal and unique. In some ways I want to just 'flip the switch' to the new times - old to new, black to white. It just isn't that easy.

I met a man named Alfred in New Orleans this week, as I stayed over one night between trains, coming back to Tucson after a long trip to see family. I learned that he had been totally wiped out by Katrina and he is still making payments on a house that doesn't exist. He is a single father, working two jobs. And he said he isn't crying over things; he's just getting on with what he needs to do, and eventually he will have what he's working so hard for. There is no 'switch' to turn off the unwanted or turn on the desired. It takes time.

I met a 66-year old man Alvin on the train who travels all over the US by train. He told me he was a retired chiropractor, and now he's a 'bum'. He is enjoying his life without the 'encumbrances' of a girl friend or wife. He told me that I have to live MY life now, not a life with another, in a partnership. Well, he's right...what's the alternative? Staying stuck in the past with a beloved who has passed on? I have read that when the grieving is complete, a person will be able to see that by moving on they carry the love with them, just in a different way. I look forward to that time in my life.

I do have the luxury of time - it's interesting to observe myself as I go through my days - sometimes as if the days just stretch right out into boredom - sometimes as if the days are full of excitement and anticipation. Many lessons to learn here.

Freedom - the freedom to choose the quality of life one desires, the freedom to create, the freedom to sit and wait for the Universe to respond. Oh, my!